MIRROR-FASTING DAY 5 I THINK…. I THINK IT’S NOT THE MIRROR.
When I started this project, I was a little disillusioned as to what outcome I was expecting. I think I was hoping that without looking in the mirror or wearing make-up, I’d feel a little more relaxed knowing that I no longer had to care.
I thought that by giving myself permission to be ugly for a month, which is essentially what I expected, I thought that this would make me happier. And I’m not happier.
But that’s not really what it’s about at all. Mirror-fasting isn’t about accepting being Miss Average and learning to enjoy it. It’s about changing your perspective. It’s about no longer feeling like you’re the plain Jane you believed yourself to be.
When I looked in the mirror, I always saw the little things that needed fixing. I saw the parts of me that needed improving and honestly. I don’t think I was ever completely happy with myself. I looked to make-up as a kind of disguise for covering up all my little flaws so that I could deceive others into thinking that I was more attractive than I am. Therein lies the problem – I’ve been associating beauty with cosmetics.
Somewhere over the past 21 years, I lost my ability to distinguish between the two. I used to need my hair done up and my face completely covered in make-up to FEEL like I was attractive, whether it was the truth or not. Now I can’t see my appearance at all any more and I’m still not living in the blissful ignorance that I thought I’d find with my 30 day fast.
This has me thinking that not liking the way I look probably hasn’t been anything to do with the mirror at all. That’s just a means of reassurance. I think, underneath it all, it’s entirely in my head. Beauty, or my perception of it anyway, has been tagged to certain products like my lipstick and foundations and I have this mental block that makes be believe that if I don’t have them, I can’t be attractive (or at least as attractive as I want to be). So over the next 30 days, I think the most important thing for me to work on is for me to mentally untag cosmetics with my body image. See, it’s not about what I actually look like; it’s about what I think I look like.
Crazy as it sounds, it took covering up my mirror for me to realise that it’s not physical whatsoever. Yes, I have flaws and I am by no means a beauty queen, but my biggest flaw is just that I haven’t been accepting myself.